Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
