I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
