You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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