I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
