Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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