I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
