I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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