so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
