On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sorry about my life...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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