if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
