I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
