You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
