okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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