Do you still have your period?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
