I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
