I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
