i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
