Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
