Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wish my penis had a tongue
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
