I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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