All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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