I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
