I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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