The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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