I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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