Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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