Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize