Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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