Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
