mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
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