I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize