Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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