allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
