Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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