Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
