Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
