I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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