Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
