Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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