she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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