Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
