You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
