I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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