About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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