He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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