Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
