Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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