Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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