I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize