the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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