It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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