she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
