The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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