I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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