you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
