no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
