Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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