I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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