I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
the liver wants what the liver wants
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
