were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
