I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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