I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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