I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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